Q&A With Amy Chan

Amy Chan is the author of the nonfiction books Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart and her recent release UNSINGLE: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts. Amy is a leading expert in social and relational skills, and she founded Renew Breakup Bootcamp, the world’s first science-based heartbreak retreat, and is dubbed “a scientific Carrie Bradshaw” by The Observer. Amy also taught at Google & YouTube and guest lectured at Columbia University and is faculty at Esalen and the Omega Institute. Amy’s work has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The New Yorker, The Guardian, USA Today, on Good Morning America, The Today Show and more.

Q: Welcome to Book Notions Amy! I’m very excited about interviewing you! Can you give a brief description of UNSINGLE & Breakup Bootcamp?

A: Thank you for having me! Breakup Bootcamp is about what happens when love ends. It digs into the science of heartbreak, why it physically hurts, why you keep checking their Instagram at 2am, and how to rewire the patterns that got you there in the first place. UNSINGLE picks up where that book leaves off: how to date smarter once you’re ready to get back out there. It introduces the Dating Funnel, a five-stage framework that helps you figure out where you’re getting stuck, whether that’s not meeting enough people, mistaking intense chemistry for compatibility, or living in situationship purgatory. One book helps you heal. The other helps you build.

Q: What inspired you to research and write nonfiction books about relationships, dating and heartbreak?

A: I started as a dating columnist nearly two decades ago, so I’ve been writing about love since before the apps existed. But the real catalyst was my own heartbreak. I went through a breakup that completely flattened me, and when I looked for help, everything was either clinical and cold or woo-woo and vague. Nothing combined actual science with the emotional support I needed. So, I built what I wished had existed. That became Renew Breakup Bootcamp in 2016, and the books grew out of everything I’ve learned working with thousands of people since. 

Q: How long did it take you to research & write both books? What are important messages you hope us single folk learn as we navigate love, dating, relationships and heartbreak?

A: Breakup Bootcamp took around 4years, it was my first time writing a book and I struggled the most with the proposal (I ended up creating 8 versions of it). Before I even knew I was writing my next book, I took a one year writing course, and during that time, learned how to hone my skills as a writer. UNSINGLE was born from that and from writing to editing that was about 2.5 years.  Both books were built on years of research and, more importantly, years of watching real people transform at my retreats and bootcamps.

What I really hope people take away from my books is this: dating is a skill, not luck. If you keep ending up in the same disappointing situation with different people, the common denominator isn’t the entire dating pool. It’s a pattern, and patterns can be interrupted.

The other big takeaway is that instant, fireworks-level chemistry isn’t automatically a green flag. Sometimes, it’s your nervous system recognizing something familiar, and familiar isn’t always healthy. Slow down, collect data, and choose deliberately instead of simply reacting to whoever chooses you.

Q: You were dubbed “a scientific Carrie Bradshaw” by The Observer. Do you feel honored or offended? I ask because many people consider Samantha the It girl & are noticing things about Carrie that don’t always see her in a positive light.

A: Honored, with an asterisk. Carrie was a brilliant writer with terrible financial planning and a well-documented pattern of chasing emotionally unavailable men. The “scientific” part of the nickname is doing a lot of work. I like to think I’m the version who would have sat Carrie down and told her that Big wasn’t a soulmate, he was an unavailable man, and no amount of accommodating or cute outfits would change that. I’d also tell her to invest the money she put in shoes and let compound interest do its thing. =P

And you’re right about Samantha. She knew exactly what she wanted and never apologized for it. Honestly, she’d never need my services.

Q: What was it like teaching at Google & YouTube and guest lecturing at Columbia University? That sounds so amazing!

A: It’s surreal and strangely normal, because it turns out brilliant people struggle with the exact same things as everyone else. You can optimize algorithms all day and still not know why you keep texting your ex. What I love about those rooms is the quality of the questions. Engineers want frameworks and data, which is exactly how I approach relationships, so we speak the same language. It’s also a good reminder that relational skills aren’t soft skills. They’re the skills that determine the quality of your entire life, and no one teaches them in school.

Q: If you are currently writing your next book, is it another nonfiction book like UNSINGLE & Breakup Bootcamp?

A: UNSINGLE just came out in April, so right now I’m in the season of getting it into as many hands as possible, plus running my bootcamps and retreats. I don’t know if I have it in me to write another book, not because I don’t enjoy writing and helping people, but because the marketing and promotional process is extremely challenging. I guess if you ask me in a few years, maybe the answer will be different.

Q: What’s it like having your work featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The New Yorker, The Guardian, USA Today, on Good Morning America, The Today Show & so many other publications? Have you met any of the hosts from Good Morning America & The Today Show?

A: I must be mindful to appreciate how far I’ve come, and the opportunities I have. As someone who is constantly looking at the next milestone, I admit that I sometimes just focus on the next thing instead of reveling in what I have achieved. But when I do slow down, I realize that I’m living the dream I once set for myself. A decade ago, when I started my first Breakup Bootcamp, I would have never imagined I’d be a two time author featured in the NY Times and so much media. 

Yes, I’ve met many of the hosts, and the one who really stands out is Tamron Hall. She is such a kind person and is constantly making sure her guests are comfortable. 

Q: Since you’ve written nonfiction books about dating, relationships and breakups, would you ever write fictional romances?

A: Never say never, but here’s my problem: after two decades of hearing real dating stories, fiction has a high bar to clear. The things people tell me at my retreats are wilder than anything I could invent. If I ever did write fiction, it would probably be the least escapist romance novel ever written. The love interest would have a secure attachment style, communicate directly, and follow through on plans.

Q: Would you please provide your social media links so that way the readers of the blog and I may follow you and your work?

A: Of course! You can find me on Instagram and TikTok at @missamychan, and everything else, including UNSINGLE, Renew Breakup Bootcamp, Dating Bootcamp, and my podcast Renew with Amy, lives at missamychan.com. Thank you!

Websites:

https://missamychan.com/unsingle/ 

www.RenewBreakupBootcamp.com 

www.RenewBootcamps.com 

Social Links:

Instagram Handle: www.instagram.com/missamychan 

LinkedIn URL: https://www.linkedin.com/in/missamychan/ 

Tik Tok Handle: https://www.tiktok.com/@missamychan 

Twitter Handle: www.twitter.com/missamychan 

YouTube Handle: https://www.youtube.com/missamychan