Q&A With Kate Scharff

I’m delighted to be doing this Q&A with psychotherapist & author Kate Scharff. Kate has written several articles and 4 books. Her books are Therapy Demystified: A Guide to Getting the Right Help (Without Going Broke), Navigating Emotional Currents in Collaborative Divorce: A Guide to Enlightened Team Practice (with Lisa Herrick, PhD) & her upcoming release We Need to Talk About Divorce: An IMPORTANT book about Separation, Stepfamilies, and Feeling Heard which is available to read now wherever books are sold. Kate’s work appears on online media, and she has a blog about human relationships. What’s amazing is Kate has been named one of The DC Area’s Top Couple Therapists” by both Washingtonian Magazine and Washingtonian Mom Magazine.

Q: Kate it is an honor having you on Book Notions! Would you like to give a brief description of your books starting with We Need To Talk About Divorce? What made you choose this specific topic to write about for children?

A: Well, I’m honored to be asked. 

I love all my books, but “We Need to Talk About Divorce” is my passion project.    It’s the book I wish I had when my parents got divorced —and the one I wish they had. 

My first book, Therapy Demystified, came out of frustration that the mental health field has a terrible PR problem. I think many people who could benefit from therapy stay away because they are overwhelmed and confused by the different kinds of therapy, don’t understand how it can help and worry they’ll be led astray by ill-intended or incompetent therapists. I wanted to turn the reader into an educated consumer. My next two books (co-authored with Lisa Herrick, PhD) evolved from my work on multidisciplinary teams (mental health professionals, family attorneys, and financial experts) working together—outside of the court system– to help couples divorce amicably and in ways that preserve emotional and financial resources. In “Navigating Emotional Currents in Collaborative Divorce,” Lisa and I distilled concepts from the world of therapy into plain English and placed them in the context of Collaborative Divorce practice so that our non-therapist colleagues could use them too. Later, in “Mastering Crucial Moments in Separation and Divorce,” we broadened the scope of our thinking and presented it in a way that all family lawyers who wanted to do less harm and better could apply our concepts to mediation, settlement negotiation and even litigation.

Q: What drew you into being a psychotherapist & author? Would you say that being a psychotherapist helped with writing your books?

A: I was raised by psychotherapist authors, so it’s in my blood. Introspection, storytelling, and written expression were the air and water when I was growing up. But my parents never made me feel I had to think as they did, or that writing was an expectation. They supported me in finding my own way and my own voice, and I’m grateful. 

Q: How do you choose a topic to research & write about? How long does it take you to research and write a book?

A: It’s funny, I can’t ever remember making a conscious choice. Occasionally I realized I’ve been thinking a lot, for a long time, about something important. Gradually, that awareness morphs into the feeling that I have something worth putting out into the world. Then I start writing.

My books evolve from my own accumulated learning, so I’ve never had to do much research. I make sure to give credit where it’s due, but my own experience, including as a clinician, is my primary source material. 
Q: What lessons do you hope readers, especially children, learn after reading We Need to Talk About Divorce: An IMPORTANT book about Separation, Stepfamilies, and Feeling Heard? What is your message to people who say that people should stay together for the sake of their children when you know, and many others know that it would do more harm than good?

A: Divorce is statistically normal, but when you’re going through it you feel like no one could possibly understand. Like their parents, children of divorce feel alone and alienated. They need honest answers to their many questions, and they need reassurance. But most parents find it difficult to talk about their divorce.  That’s partly due to outdated cultural stigma, but mainly it’s that parents are reeling too- and terrified they might injure their kids by bringing up painful topics or by bungling answers to tough questions.

My message to kids of divorce is that whatever they’re feeling is normal. In the book I address situations that kids of divorce commonly experience. But even those that don’t apply to a particular reader are written with the goal of helping children to feel less alone. I want to empower them to find their own voices, to learn to communicate their feelings and needs to their parents and to other people in their lives. And I weave lots of advice for parents about parenting pitfalls to avoid,  and guidance on how best to listen, to respond, to ask questions, and even to raise concerns of their own.

On the issue of staying together for the kids… There are people who just don’t believe in divorce. Maybe it’s anathema to their religion or culture, or their family “just doesn’t do that.”  If someone is of the fixed opinion that divorce is always a trauma that trumps every other trauma, then that opinion must be respected. There’s no point in arguing anyway.

But people who insist that their kids are not harmed by their marital unhappiness are kidding themselves. The argument “we don’t fight in front of our kids,” doesn’t hold water.  A) There are hot wars and cold wars and they’re both bad, and B) kids have emotional radar detectors on their heads. They don’t miss anything. Young kids might not know the meaning of the signals they’re receiving, but if the source is parental strife, kids of any age will be upset. I can’t tell you how many of my young patients have told me versions of “I never asked them to stay together! I wish they’d divorced years ago!”

The relationship between their parents is the adult relationship a child experiences first, for the longest time, and the most up-close. It becomes their marital template. So, when a couple in my office struggles with the question “should we stay together for the sake of our kids?”, I often respond by asking: “Are you in the kind of marriage you’d want for them?” If the answer is” “no,” the answer to the larger question is also “no” 

Q: You’ve been a psychotherapist & had your own practice for over 35 years! I think that’s impressive! Congratulations! What wisdom do you have for anyone wanting to go into your field of psychotherapy as well as writing books on topics that have to do with that?

A: I love what I do, and I encourage anyone who’s drawn to it to explore the idea of entering the field. But while our own traumatic experiences can make us more empathic clinicians, therapy doesn’t heal the therapist. That’s why it’s important to have a lot of personal therapy before hanging out a shingle. Un-processed negative experience is a professional liability. Also, there are lots of graduate degrees that serve as tickets into the mental health field, but none of them are enough on their own. To be good at this work you must be a lifelong learner. So, enroll in lots of training programs, study with experts from many theoretical orientations. Internalize enough of the basics so that you can be free to practice therapy as an art. 

By all means, write. Start your own blog, submit an article for a professional publication. After a while, you might have enough to say that you want to tackle a book. Go for it. Remember, there’s nothing new under the sun. Every topic has been covered. But not by you.

Q: You have a blog dedicated to all kinds of human relationships. Would you like to talk about your blog and provide a link to spread the word for readers who are interested in checking it out?

A: The quality of our lives is directly related to the nature of our relationships. My blog is where I get to muse about all types of relationships—parent/child relationships, romantic relationships, sexual relationships, professional relationships, friendships, relationships with ourselves, you name it—and how to strengthen our bonds.

The blog lives on my website: www.KateScharff.com

Q: Will your next book be for adults or will it be for children like We Need to Talk About Divorce?

A: An adult version of “We Need to Talk About Divorce” has been bubbling on the back burner of my brain for a long time. If I get my way, that will be my next book.